Self-Care in Queer Relationships resource

Way back in February, Possibilities, the bisexual/pansexual/asexual and trans-inclusive community group, met to talk about self-care in queer relationships. As always, I took a million notes in order to generate a resource based on that conversation.

But that conversation was so rich and so full of themes and ideas and nuanced concepts, and I’ve started my grad studies now… it took quite a bit longer than usual to generate.

But now! At long last!!

The Self-Care in Queer Relationships resource is ready. (Link is to PDF.)

This document touches on queer friendships, navigating family dynamics, romantic relationships, sexual health, breaking up, and forgiveness. It doesn’t even begin to do justice to our conversation, and I suspect this will be just the first of a series of resources on this topic (I know for sure there is at least one blog post waiting, on the topic of the closet and self-care).

I am so thankful to everyone who contributed to the conversation, and to Stephen and Zac who both asked that their names be included, and to Zac Hickey for editing this document.

The March Possibilities topic is Self-Care for Queer Geeks, and since I’m in Australia (!!!) for an Advanced Narrative Skills teaching block, my partner Scott will be facilitating. They are eminently qualified to run a discussion on the topic of queerness, self-care, and geekery, since they have years of experience DMing tabletop RPGs that are intentionally gender and orientation inclusive, consent-focused, and welcoming of diverse identities. There will be a resource created following this conversation, too, and I’m excited to see how we manage that!

(If you want access to these resources early, additional behind-the-scenes content, and/or to support this work, you can get all that over at the Patreon!)

Winter Self-Care for Weary Queers

Winter Self-Care for Weary Queers

Image description: A glass ball nestled in a mossy log on snowy ground, reflecting the wood, moss, and snow. Photo credit: Pixabay.

The January Possibilities topic was “Winter Self-Care for Weary Queers” and we talked about the many ways in which winter is both delightful and challenging, and how the short sunlight hours, the frequent illnesses and pains, and the cold weather impacts our moods, our social lives, and our access to self-care tools and spaces.

I collected the insights and suggestions of the group into a free resource – the third of the monthly collective documents! I’m really proud of this work, and of the valuable knowledge that’s shared each month at our events.

You can download the PDF here.

You can also find the Facebook event for the February discussion on Self-Care in Queer Relationships.

Holiday Self-Care Resource

Holiday Self-Care Resource

Image description – A screenshot of the front cover of the PDF. Orange text reads “Queerness and Holiday Self-Care: Planning, Coping, Recovering, and Grief” Smaller text reads “A Document Generated Following the December 2017 Possibilities Calgary Bi+ Discussion Group.” There is a decorative red line down the right side of the image.

“What holidays are we talking about?

All of them!

This conversation happened around the Winter Holidays – that stretch of time that includes Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Saturnalia, Yule, Midwinter, Christmas, New Year’s, and Chinese New Year. But these strategies, suggestions, and situations are relevant to any holiday that includes social pressure to perform joyfulness, to spend time with extended social networks, and to perform a certain type of gender, orientation, or other identity. These pressures can be exacerbated by trauma, grief, or identity shifts. Other holidays that can be challenging in this way are birthdays, Valentine’s Day, the Spring Holidays, and any personally meaningful anniversary.

There can be shame attached to needing self-care around the holidays. These are “supposed” to be cheerful times, where we connect with our families and communities, give and receive gifts and support, remind ourselves of the goodness of humanity, feel loved and loving.

There is so much pressure to conform to these ideas of appropriate holiday cheer, and although we understand that the holidays can be challenging, it’s often difficult to extend compassion to ourselves when we are struggling. And it’s sometimes hard to ask other people to understand when we’re struggling, because they may be invested in having a “good holiday” that doesn’t have space for our struggle.
Depression spikes at the holidays, and we do not have robust “practices of anti-depression” (to borrow a term from Daria Kutuzova, whose work is linked in the resources section). These practices include things like mindfulness, self-care, self-compassion, creating and encouraging unique outcomes (meaning, outcomes that defy our internal expectation of despair and the external expectation of a certain performance of joy – unique outcomes are outcomes that allow us wholehearted, hopeful, and resilient stories without denying our struggle, pain, trauma, and fear). Other practices of anti-depression include creating inclusive spaces and a sense of belonging, and encouraging pleasure, fun, hope, anticipation, and resilience without pasting on a smile that hides our true feelings. This path is much more complicated and challenging, but also much more rewarding.”

Read the rest by downloading the PDF here.

The monthly Possibilities discussions are full of rich insights, knowledge-sharing, and collaboration from within our bisexual, pansexual, asexual, trans-inclusive community.

One of my goals is to create resources that grow out of these generous and creative conversations, so that the work we do in those moments can extend out to join larger conversations about queerness and self-care. One reason for this is because when we are struggling, we have valuable insider knowledge that can help other people who are also struggling – it’s not true that the only people with answers are the “experts” or the ones who have it all figured out. To the contrary – it is often those of us who are actively grappling with an issue who have more direct insight and knowledge to share. This doesn’t mean there isn’t a place for experts or guides, but part of what I hope to accomplish with my work is consistently and intentionally centering the voices of marginalized individuals and communities, and creating resources that honour hard-won knowledge and skills.

In an effort to share these moments of community-generated wisdom from the Possibilities discussions, I’ll be creating a resource most months that documents and shares our collective insights. Anonymity, or naming, is at each participant’s discretion, and at the beginning of the discussion we talk about why I’m taking notes, what I’m planning to do with them, and how people can access the document before it goes public. Any participants who want to look over the document before it’s made public have that opportunity, and there’s a second check-in at the end of the discussion to make sure everyone is aware of what might be shared and has a chance to opt in or out. Confidentiality within supportive community spaces is so critical, and these documents will not contain identifying details (unless participants want to be named or identified).

This document is meant to extend the conversation and also to invite further conversation. Please email me at sostarselfcare@gmail.com if you have any questions, or would like to add to this discussion.

This document was created following our December 19, 2017 meeting, and is meant to be a resource for the queer community that validates the challenges of holiday self-care as a queer person. There are a ton of coping strategies, resources, validations, and suggestions in here.

I’ll be creating a document like this for most of the future Possibilities discussions, so you can look forward to Winter Self-Care (Seasonal Affective Disorder, dealing with the cold, and winter for weary queers) coming up next month!

Queerness and Physical Self-Care resource

Queerness and Physical Self-Care resource

Image description – A screenshot of the front cover of the PDF. Blue text reads “Queerness and Physical Self-Care: Gyms, Team Sports, and Gender.” Smaller text reads “A Document Generated Following the November 2017 Possibilities Calgary Bi+ Discussion Group.” There is a decorative orange line down the right side of the image.

The monthly Possibilities discussions are full of rich insights, knowledge-sharing, and collaboration from within our bisexual, pansexual, asexual, trans-inclusive community.

One of my goals is to create resources that grow out of these generous and creative conversations, so that the work we do in those moments can extend out to join larger conversations about queerness and self-care. One reason for this is because when we are struggling, we have valuable insider knowledge that can help other people who are also struggling – it’s not true that the only people with answers are the “experts” or the ones who have it all figured out. To the contrary – it is often those of us who are actively grappling with an issue who have more direct insight and knowledge to share. This doesn’t mean there isn’t a place for experts or guides, but part of what I hope to accomplish with my work is consistently and intentionally centering the voices of marginalized individuals and communities, and creating resources that honour hard-won knowledge and skills.

In an effort to share these moments of community-generated wisdom from the Possibilities discussions, I’ll be creating a resource most months that documents and shares our collective insights. Anonymity, or naming, is at each participant’s discretion, and at the beginning of the discussion we talk about why I’m taking notes, what I’m planning to do with them, and how people can access the document before it goes public. Any participants who want to look over the document before it’s made public have that opportunity, and there’s a second check-in at the end of the discussion to make sure everyone is aware of what might be shared and has a chance to opt in or out. Confidentiality within supportive community spaces is so critical, and these documents will not contain identifying details (unless participants want to be named or identified).

This document is meant to extend the conversation and also to invite further conversation. Please email me at sostarselfcare@gmail.com if you have any questions, or would like to add to this discussion.

This document was created following our November 21, 2017 meeting, and is meant to be a resource for the queer community that validates the challenges of physical self-care as a queer person, and offers potential ways forward.

The Key Points

• It can be difficult to access or maintain access to gyms and other fitness-focused spaces because of expectations of gender identity and sexuality, particularly expectations of hypermasculinity and heterosexuality.
• In spaces that are not explicitly queer-inclusive, performing an acceptable identity can keep us safe, but the emotional costs can be high.
• Solidarity – both within the community (going together to a space), and from allies (working to create safer spaces) – is one potential way forward.
• We have made significant progress as a society, but there is a lot more work to be done.
• Self-care is a complex and interconnected process – physical self-care is not distinct from emotional, mental, or social self-care. We need them all.

I’ll be creating a document like this for most of the future Possibilities discussions, so you can look forward to Queerness and Holiday Self-Care coming up next month!

Download the PDF here.

You Are Not Alone: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day 2017

You Are Not Alone: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day 2017

Image description: A picture of a forest. Text below reads You Are Not Alone Stories, thoughts, and resources after the loss of a pregnancy or child Created for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day | 2017

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Ten days ago, one of my friends noted that the available resources were incredibly gendered, heteronormative, cisnormative, and overwhelmingly white.

Creating resources that help serve the margins is exactly the goal of my Patreon, and it’s why I do what I do, so we came up with a plan, reached out to contributors, and spent the last week and a half pulling together something that I am really proud of.

This resource is not perfect. It’s a first draft, and it’s not as inclusive as it needs to be. Our goal is to reissue the resource each year with an expanded selection of personal stories, and a refined resources section. If you would like to have your story included in the next issue, let me know.

You Are Not Alone

Stories, thoughts, and resources after the loss of a pregnancy or child

Created for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day | 2017

Introduction

This document was created as a response to loss resources that are highly gendered, and that implicitly assume their readers are straight, white, and cisgender. It was also created to try and provide something free and easily accessible.

It is a first draft, and we hope to reissue this document yearly with more and better information and resources.

Although this resource attempts to be intentionally inclusive and anti-oppressive, the two primary collaborators – Tiffany Sostar and Flora – are both English-speaking white settler Canadians, with stable housing and strong social supports. Our privilege means that we are missing nuance, and we do not see what we’re not seeing. We are open to being corrected, and to hearing from people who do not see themselves represented in this document. You can reach Tiffany at sostarselfcare@gmail.com.

This document is designed to be a grief and loss resource, and we have included abortion stories and resources. However, we recognize that not every abortion is experienced as a loss or followed by grief. (This is true for miscarriages, too!) We also recognize that it is possible to feel grieve without feeling regret, and this is true for any pregnancy loss, whether it’s abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth, or adoption.

We are so thankful to the individuals who contributed to this document. Our call for contributors was met with courage and generosity by people who shared their stories despite the pain that telling the story brought up for them.

We are also thankful to Andi Johnson and Randi van Wiltenburg, both full-spectrum doulas in Calgary, Alberta, who contributed not only their personal stories but also a wealth of knowledge and information. Their professional contact information is listed in the resources section.

Parents we want to honour:

  • Those who have lost a child to miscarriage
  • Those who have lost a child to abortion
  • Those who have lost a child to stillbirth
  • Those who have lost a child after birth to medical illness
  • Those who have lost a child after birth to adoption
  • Those who have lost a child after birth to structural violence

This affects:

  • People of any gender identity
  • People of any sexual orientation
  • People of any relationship status and structure
  • People of any race or culture
  • People of any state of mental or physical health
  • People of any religious belief
  • People of any socioeconomic status

Download the 60-page PDF here.