Content note: reference to sexual assault, colonial violence, trauma, substance use
The BPD Superpowers group met in a video chat on April 28, 2020 to talk about the intersection of the BPD and The Pandemic.
This blog post brings together some of the wisdom shared in that conversation. This is part of an ongoing project, and our hope is that this post will offer something for everyone, whether you identify with BPD yourself, have friends and family who identify with BPD, or are simply having a hard time in the pandemic. We hope this will help you feel less alone, and offer some hope and some potential strategies. Some quotes from the chat have been paraphrased.
BPD Superpowers group member Kay D’Odorico (who shared ‘a little bit of brave’ in the BPD Superpowers interview shared last week) created this BPD and Chill playlist on Spotify. “songs 4 my fellow babes w Borderline Personality Disorder – if anyone has ever told u that u are “a lot” or “too much”. Fck that, this playlist is just 4 u.”
And now, the post!
Digital Meetings on Indigenous Land
This conversation took place digitally, but we are still all on Indigenous land. Our group included participants on Treaty 7 land, which is the land of the Blackfoot Confederacy, including the Kainai, Siksika, and Piikani First Nations, the Stoney Nakoda, including the Wesley, Chiniki, and Bearpaw First Nations, the Tsuut’ina First Nation, and the Metis Nation of Alberta, Region 3. Our group also included folks on the traditional territory of the Haudenosaunee, Wendat, and Mississauga of the Credit First Nations, which is governed the Dish With One Spoon Wampum Belt Covenant, which precedes any colonial treaties on this territory, and invites everybody to share in what this land has to offer, which is represented by the idea of a dish with one spoon in collectively caring for the land together. Our group included settlers and Indigenous participants.
At the time of our meeting, the Tiny House Warriors and other land defenders had been attacked, with a truck driven through one of the tiny houses, and another land defender camp burned down. It is important to acknowledge this, because the pandemic has not paused racist violence in Canada, and the effects of the pandemic impact different communities in different ways.
Panic and the Pandemic
“For a lot of people experiencing various degrees and intersections of marginalization, the pandemic is kinda just another hit. Whereas people with more privilege, who may never have experienced a complete meltdown like this, they don’t know what to do. But for me, my life feels out of control a lot of the time, like I’ve got constant whiplash from my emotional reactions to things. And I’m all over the place right now. They’re all big feelings. And I feel like we can teach people a lot, as people who have survived and continued to survive in our ongoing existence with all these big feelings, so much of the time. It’s not specific to BPD, but a lot of BPD people have insider knowledge into how to respond to panic. A lot of people are in panic mode right now, inside this time, and they don’t know what to do. But BPD folks already know all of these really good ways of reaching out, and a lot of this is not new to us. We’ve already had to find our communities online a lot of the time.” – Kay
Returning to childhood skills
“I feel like I lot of my coping skills are really thriving right now. I’m still having bad days, up and down, but I feel like I’m using a lot of the things I did as a kid. In times of crisis and panic, when I’m constantly on edge, I just learn to do things. I pour myself into what I know keeps me grounded. I’m really drawing on how studious I was as a kid. I’m pouring myself into my academic work (which sounds very nerdy but it’s true). I used my homework (usually math) to escape. I really enjoyed it and it was when I felt safest. Now I’m just using my thesis writing as a way to create routine – I write for at least an hour almost every morning starting at 9am.” – Sean
Navigating the return of trauma memories
“When the pandemic started, I wasn’t too upset, didn’t feel the need to panic, but was also sort of noticing people saying that they were having a lot of old trauma come up. And for a couple weeks I was grateful that I wasn’t experiencing that. And then I was. And a lot of my trauma is based in my early home life, a lot of my trauma also involves like, sexual assault, which has resulted in certain social coping mechanisms that involve feeling like I have a lot of control over who has access to my body and my sexuality through things like being as casually promiscuous as I want. And there’s no promiscuity in social isolation. And there’s no, kind of through these actions this like, affirming this control over my body that I had found. Being brought back to all your trauma, without your coping mechanisms… I feel like such a raw nerve right now. And those are things that maybe suck, but I just wanted to put them out there ‘cause I’m also sure I’m not the only experiencing that kinda shit.” – Osden
“This collective sense that everybody, not just folks with BPD, are struggling has been a big comfort. Everyone else is starting to understand what it’s like to feel lonely like this.” – Sean
Recognizing and naming our skills
“Maybe as folks with BPD, especially for folks who have been able to do the work of kinda setting certain boundaries because we have enough of a familiarity with our symptoms or challenges, boundaries may be one of the areas that, I don’t know, I imagine we do kind of have a superpower here. Like as much as I’m struggling with some things, I’ve been able to maintain the level of respect that I expect from people I’m gonna date. That’s a place that I still do have something healthy that I built prior to this going on.” – Osden
“It is difficult to hold those boundaries, especially when you care very deeply about people. Having to choose the health of the people that are in my house as well as myself, over someone that I love and cherish like a family member. It sucks. I had to do that even though it was really difficult.” – Kay
“I was thinking about how we have those conversations about risks and health, and how we’ve been having those conversations throughout the pandemic. And maybe this is also one of my coping things, as someone with a history of being sexually assaulted, I’m very, very consent oriented and I’m also very anti STI-stigma. I’m pretty involved with the queer community in Toronto, we have these conversations really often. And I was thinking about the kind of risk mitigation that comes into talking openly about balancing mental health and physical health and all those needs, that maybe in some ways gives us toolsets to say, ‘no, sorry, you’re taking like, a risk that I’m not okay being exposed to, so I’m gonna have to set a boundary here.’” – Osden
“Something I’m learning right now is that I am capable of advocating for myself.” – Sean
“It’s funny because as people with BPD, one thing that we always get stuck to us seems to be the all or nothing type thinking, or the black and white polarised thinking, and it’s like, we know how to find the grey. I keep my feelers out, and I make sure I’m listening for people who need help, because I have connections to people who can deliver groceries, and I make sure that I’m listening to my community. I might not always talk within my community, but I’m always listening. And I think that we always find ways to find that middle ground. It’s beautiful.” – Kay
Here are some of the things that people in the BPD Superpowers group are doing to respond to this difficult time:
- Taking the time to acknowledge the feelings, even if they seem immense and impossible. Having a validating conversation with ourselves about what is happening.
- Defaulting to the assumption that your feelings come from somewhere real. If you are upset, there is probably a reason you’re upset. Even if the way those feelings show up isn’t what you prefer, assume that the feelings themselves have some valuable information to offer. (This is especially important if people around you seem to be defaulting to the assumption that your feelings are not coming from somewhere real.)
- Turning to people in ways that feel accessible. This might mean texting if video chatting or phone calls are too intense. It might mean phone calls. It might mean letters! It might mean creating a “pandemic pod” of people you see. Turning toward people in whatever way feels possible.
- Recognizing that when the ideal solution is not available, the available solution is the right one. This might mean using coping strategies that we wouldn’t otherwise use, leaning on or staying connected with people we would otherwise distance from, or using other strategies that are less preferred, but that get us through a hard moment. “Lean where you can lean!” You can even write yourself a permission slip, if it would help.
- Going for a run or doing something else to get your heartrate doing something different than the panic rhythm.
- Participating in affirming group spaces. These might include identity-specific group spaces (like an international chat group for queer and trans folks to share pics and affirmation), or interest-specific group spaces (like anti-capitalist cat groups).
- Using creative ways to alleviate sexual tension within the restrictions of physical distancing. Taking and sharing sexy photos can be one way to maintain a connection to your own sexuality and to a sense of control over access to your body, and a way to feel playful and connected.
- Writing poetry, especially poetry that holds space for rage and horror.
- Taking time and space from relationships that are experiencing conflict. Reminding ourselves that taking time and space doesn’t mean we can’t come back to that relationship (or that the person on the other side can’t come back to us). This is especially difficult and important when we’re all so aware of how much we need each other and how much depends on the few relationships within our pandemic pod.
- Sometimes taking time and space doesn’t help, and we might ask the person we’re experiencing conflict with to stay and talk through what’s happening. Communicating our needs when we’re able, in the ways we’re able.
- Recognizing how our specific context influences what feels possible – being hungry, tired, drunk or intoxicated – all can influence which strategies are available to us in responding to panic.
- Finding small moments of joy. Baking, creating, being a personal cheerleader for friends. Even delivering cocktails or mocktails to friends, and being able to say, “everything outside is collapsing but I’m gonna sip this dainty, fancy little thing.” Whatever brings you some joy!
- Trust yourself. “Finding your way to survive, whatever that looks like right now, you’re doing it. You’re fucking stellar at it.” – Kay