David Maxwell Memorial Reading Challenge

David Maxwell Memorial Reading Challenge

David Maxwell Memorial Reading Challenge

Created by Tiffany Sostar

In joyful memory of their dad, David Maxwell:
lover, collector, and sharer of books

January 12, 1953 – November 30, 2019

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Welcome to the David Maxwell Memorial Reading Challenge!

Make yourself a cup of David-style coffee: not too strong, with a generous-leaning-to-excessive helping of sugar or maple syrup, and more milk swirled in than seems reasonable.

Settle in and read your way to memories and connection.

This reading challenge has been created by me, Tiffany Sostar, David’s oldest child, in honour of dad and as a way to invite friends, family, and community to reflect on memories shared with David and to create new memories and experiences connected to David.

This reading challenge has a bias. It reflects my story with my dad, and it highlights the parts of dad’s story that were most impactful in my own life. It’s a gift from me to him, and to you.

There are other stories of dad’s life, and perhaps there are categories of reading missing that would help reflect the nuance and complexity of David Maxwell’s personhood and experience.

If there is a category you wish were here, please let me know.

I will be collecting stories and titles shared by reading challenge participants and will be creating an updated reading challenge next year, along with a book of stories.

I would love for that second iteration to include a broader view of my dad.

But for now, this is what I have to offer, from my own perspective, from my own heart.

If you would like to get in touch with me, you can find me at sostarselfcare@gmail.com, or online at tiffanysostar.com. I work as a narrative therapist, a community organizer, a writer, and an editor. The love of stories that dad and I shared has extended into every part of my life and is present in every aspect of my work.

A reading challenge is a bit like a literary treasure hunt.

Each category is a clue, and you must go searching for the book that will check that category off.

Both books and treasure hunts were cherished parts of my relationship with dad, and almost every treasure hunt that he created for me (each Christmas for 3 decades of my life!) included clues hidden in books, book titles as clues, gifts hidden behind books, books as the gift at the end of the hunt – books and treasure hunts, treasure hunts and books.

At a time when I miss my dad so much, and when I am overcome by the loss and the grief over pages left unturned in our relationship, and the sudden ending of our story together in this life, it has been a balm to create this reading challenge. This treasure hunt.

Dad left many legacies that continue in my life. Books, stories, and the determined pursuit of clues and threads of connection are among the shiniest.

How to participate

This document is part invitation and part remembrance. You can participate in either or both.

To participate in the invitation, you can join the treasure hunt by reading a book in each category and, if you would like, sharing your completed list back with me at sostarselfcare@gmail.com.

I will be keeping track of the books read in each category and will send out a list of all the shared titles at the end of 2020. I hope that this will be one way to maintain a connection to David and to create new memories and experiences that connect us in our memories of him.

The reading challenge invitation is open to anyone, whether they knew dad or not.

I love the idea of stories and inspiration connected to dad travelling beyond his circle. If you didn’t know dad and you participate in the challenge, I’d love to hear what books you read, what these books made possible in your life, and how the stories of my dad’s life moved you, if they did.

For those who knew dad, you can also participate in the remembrance by reading the stories (there could have been pages and pages more) and by sharing your own stories!

I would love to hear the stories that these categories remind you of, and to hear about the books that dad recommended to you, and to know what from him and his life has stayed with you.

These stories and memories will also be collected, with the hope of creating a story book of David’s life and his influence in others’ lives. You do not need to be limited to the categories listed here for your stories – share anything that sparkles in your memory!

You’ll find the categories listed first, with stories and suggested titles after.

Simple pleasures

If you’d like some guidance from dad, here is a list that he shared with me last summer of some of his favourite things. Perhaps these will spark memories for you, invite you to consider things that you cherish in your own life, or guide you to titles that excite and engage you.

(I included the parts of the list that mention specific people, because I think dad’s love for Glenda, for his siblings, and for my sister and I are worth recognizing. I know these specific items, unlike the more general pleasures he lists, might not lead you directly to books, but they are a balm for my heart, and perhaps they will lead you to memories and stories of cherished people in your own life.)

  • Reading and Collecting books
  • Collecting an eclectic selection of Christmas ornaments
  • Setting up the upside-down Christmas tree
  • Stepping off the plane in Italy
  • Eating Italian food as prepared in Cinque Terre, Puglia and Rome
  • Eating authentic Gelato
  • Working hard to provide a service to avid readers
  • Swimming
  • Spending time with my amazing partner – Glenda
  • Gardening with Glenda
  • Talking to two people of whom I am so proud – Tiffany and Domini
  • Talking and staying connected with friends around the world
  • Watching my brother succeed so admirably at saving Prairie from financial ruin and rebuilding its heart
  • Watching my sister do her job so well around the world, especially in Asia
  • Drinking good wine
  • Making an awesome BLT
  • Cooking a thick, juicy steak with eggs over easy
  • Ethiopian food and coffee
  • Laying under a warm tropical sun
  • Listening to Mozart, Telemann, Holinger, Chopin, Haydn, Salieri, Boccherini, Bach
  • Praying to my Heavenly Father
  • Driving

Travel with David:

Each of these categories is based on a location where David either spent time or planned to.

  • A book set in Nigeria, or written by a Nigerian author
  • A book about backpacking through Europe (consider focusing on the Cinque Terre)
  • A book set in, or written about, the mid-Western USA
  • A book set in, or written about, rural Alberta
  • A book set in, or written about, Calgary
  • A book set in Italy, or written by an Italian author
  • A book set in Croatia, or written by a Croatian author
  • A book set in Costa Rica, or written by a Costa Rican author
  • A book that includes walking the Camino

Imagine with David

Each of these categories reflects a speculative genre or type of book that David particularly enjoyed.

  • A book of hard science fiction
  • A book of high fantasy
  • A book of historical fiction
  • A retelling of a myth or fairytale
  • A pop-up book

Take a stand with David

Each of these categories represent an action David took to either take a stand in solidarity with a targeted community, or to take a stand for his own beliefs and values.

  • A book about education or pedagogy
  • A book of Christian theology
  • A book about Islam or a book by a Middle Eastern author sharing their lived experience
  • A book about LGBTQ2+ community
  • A book about healing after abuse or trauma

Read along with David

Each of these books have specific cherished memories attached to them, and are books that dad particularly enjoyed and frequently shared with others.

  • The Death Gate Cycle by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman
  • The Deed of Paksenarrion by Elizabeth Moon
  • The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
  • Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card
  • The Ring Cycle by Richard Wagner (any version!)
  • Anam Cara by John O’Donohue
  • Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton
  • A Tintin comic
  • An Asterix comic

Memories

This section includes why I chose each category, along with a few brief stories and remembrances, and some suggested titles. This section will be significantly expanded in the second iteration of this reading challenge, hopefully with titles and stories from you!

Travel with David

Each of these categories is based on a location where David either spent time or planned to.

A book set in Nigeria, or written by a Nigerian author

Dad was born in Jos, Nigeria on January 12, 1953. He loved Nigeria and had endless stories of his time there. One of his favourite stories to tell was of rock climbing with a school friend and reaching up over the top of the climb to find a massive snake sunning itself at the summit!

Consider:

One Half of a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Adichie Ngozi. This book is set in Nigeria during the Biafran war from 1967-1970. After I read this book, Dad and I had some really meaningful conversations about his memories of this time, and about his parents’ actions during this war.

A book about backpacking through Europe (consider focusing on the Cinque Terre)

Dad backpacked through Europe by himself as a teenager. This is when he first encountered and fell in love with the Cinque Terre in Italy.

Consider:

Rick Steves’ Pocket Cinque Terre. This little guidebook didn’t exist when dad backpacked the Cinque Terre as a youth, but dad was a huge fan of Rick Steves’ books!

A book set in, or written about, the mid-Western USA

Dad’s years in the States, including the years he spent in Tulsa, Oklahoma, were formative for him. During this time, he taught dance and danced professionally, and he also did a lot of work to support vulnerable communities. It was during these years that he worked on a suicide prevention hotline, and with survivors of rape and abuse.

Consider:

Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Annie Dillard. Set in the Midwest, this contemplation on the seasons in that part of the world is lovely, and Annie Dillard was an author dad often had on the shelves at Logos.

A book set in, or written about, rural Alberta

Dad lived in Three Hills for quite a few years, but his roots in rural Alberta are generations-deep. His grandfather founded Prairie Bible Institute (now Prairie Bible College), which dad attended. He also ran the Coffee Break in Three Hills for a time. I still remember the ham and cheese sandwiches, and the picture of a red soccer ball on his office wall!

We also camped most years in Kananaskis Country, and I have so many cherished memories of our camping trips.

Consider:

Maxwell’s Passion and Power by Harold Fuller. This book is about dad’s grandfather, L.E. Maxwell, and about Prairie Bible College, which he founded in Three Hills, Alberta.

First Spring Grass Fire by Rae Spoon. This is a book about growing up queer in rural and religious Alberta, and close to my own heart. Dad and I had many conversations about queerness within religious spaces.

A book set in, or written about, Calgary

Dad lived in Calgary for a long time. He managed Logos Bookstore for almost 30 years, and although he never loved the climate here, I know that he loved his community. He gardened here, enjoyed the restaurants here, and grew deep roots within the bookstore and in the communities that he served – especially the community of teachers and educators, and the various religious groups that brought him in for booktables (many, many days spent at the FCJ centre!).

Consider:

Since John Gilchrist is no longer publishing the My Favourite Eats series (which dad loved, and which guided us to many fine meals – dad and I shared a love of fancy food!), try Gail Norton’s Calgary Eats, with a foreword by Julie van Rosendaal (who has taken on John Gilchrist’s mantle as CBC food reviewer). And if you cook from the book, consider adding a fried egg to the recipe for Modern Steak’s steak with peppercorn sauce – a good steak with a fried egg was one of dad’s favourite meals.

A book set in Italy, or written by an Italian author

Dad loved Italy, and he lived there for a couple years. And even when he wasn’t living there, that’s where his heart longed to be. He loved the food, he loved the architecture, and he loved the people.

Consider:

Brunelleschi’s Dome by Ross King.

How to Think Like Leonardo Da Vinci by Michael Gelb. This book isn’t technically about Italy, but it’s one of the books I read when I was 18, when I designed and undertook my first self-guided “transformative year” project, which dad supported by guiding me to books like this!

A book set in Croatia, or written by a Croatian author

Dad lived in Croatia for a couple years and treasured Dubrovnik and his friends there. When I visited him, he took me for a walk through the wooded area down to the ocean. It was gorgeous.

A book set in Costa Rica, or written by a Costa Rican author

Dad also lived in Costa Rica!

A book that includes walking the Camino

Although dad did not have the opportunity to walk the Camino, it was one of his cherished dreams. I’ve included it in this section because although his feet never carried him on the pilgrimage, I know that his heart did.

Imagine with David

Each of these categories reflects a speculative genre or type of book that David particularly enjoyed.

A book of hard science fiction

I have so many memories of hard science fiction and my dad! Not only books but also movies and tv shows. Dad had a deep appreciation for science fiction, and our house was filled with science fiction novels.

A book of high fantasy

In his last week of life, dad was talking about the difference between a fantasy story and a fantastical story. This is such a sharp memory for me, and dad and I did not come to a clear conclusion in this discussion of what makes a story a fantasy story and what makes it a story with fantastical elements. This interest in fantasy, what constitutes fantasy, and what fantasy writing makes possible in our lives is one that threaded through my life with dad. He loved fantasy novels, and he had a particular appreciation for how fantasy writing allows us to explore complex issues of values, morals, and relationships.

A book of historical fiction

Some of my favourite recommendations from dad were historical fiction – Pauline Gedge’s Egypt books, Sandra Gulland’s Josephine Bonaparte trilogy, Ken Follett’s Pillars of the Earth.

A retelling of myth or fairytale

I was in grade 6 when Jane Yolen’s Briar Rose was released as part of Terri Windling’s Fairy Tale series, and this retelling of the sleeping beauty story, set in a Nazi concentration camp, was profoundly moving. I cried, and talked with dad, and this story has stayed with me in the decades since. And it is not the only fairytale retelling that dad introduced me to. He loved William J. Brook’s Untold Tales and read the funniest passages out loud to whoever was in the room, and he also introduced me to Sheri S. Tepper’s Beauty, which bridges fairytale and science fiction.

Consider:

Book Riot has a list of 100 best fairytale retellings to invite you into one of dad’s favourite expansive genres. I would point you particularly to the Terri Windling anthology, the Neil Gaiman books, and Terry Pratchett.

A pop-up book

We were listening to CBC interview the man with the largest privately owned pop-up book collection in Canada. We raced downstairs and started counting. Yep… dad had over 100 more pop-ups in his collection than the collector being interviewed! Dad had a particular love of Robert Sabuda’s paper engineering, though he added any new feat of paper craft to his collection.

Take a stand with David

Each of these categories represent an action David took to either take a stand in solidarity with a targeted community, or to take a stand for his own beliefs and values.

A book about education or pedagogy

When Chapters moved in across the street, dad had to think quickly to keep Logos in business. He decided to move the bookstore strongly towards education, and his choice kept the store afloat during a decade that saw so many of Calgary’s independents close. In the many years of Logos focusing on education, dad built strong connections within the school boards in Calgary and was a yearly presence at the Calgary Teacher’s Convention. He also supplied educational books to book clubs and schools throughout the year. Even if education isn’t your field, there are gems in this category for any reader.

Consider:

Turning to One Another by Margaret Wheatley. Although this book was first published in 2002 and the world is significantly different now, Margaret Wheatley was one of dad’s favourite educational writers, and this book’s message of listening and finding common ground is one that dad appreciated.

The Politics of Education by Paulo Freire. Less well-known than Pedagogy of the Oppressed (which is brilliant and also worth reading!), The Politics of Education can be a bit more accessible for readers who aren’t already engaged in issues of pedagogy.

A book of Christian theology

Dad’s Christian faith was important to him, and he thought deeply about what he believed, and why he believed it. He read a diverse range of theological texts and pulled threads of insight from a wide range of traditions. I remember many conversations with him about thinkers as diverse as Catholic theologians Thomas Merton, Peter Kreeft, and Franciscan Richard Rohr, Evangelical theologians Dietrich Bonhoeffer and CS Lewis, as well as mystics like Hildegard von Bingen and Julian of Norwich.

Consider:

Dogspell by Mary Ashcroft. I cherish this small book, which dad brought into the store specifically for me and then kept on the shelves for many years. If there is a vision of faith that appeals to me and rings true in my heart, this is very close to it.

A book about Islam or a book by a Middle Eastern author about their lived experience

After 9/11, dad saw that Islamophobia was rising and he took an active stand against it in the bookstore. He brought in books on the topic of Islam, with a particular focus on books that highlighted points of connection and shared humanity.

Consider:

A History of God by Karen Armstrong. This is one book that was frequently on the shelf at Logos and looked at views of God through each of the Abrahamic religions of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam.

Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi. As conflict with Iran escalates and we see another rise in Islamophobia across North America, there is even more reason to return to this book about growing up in Tehran after the American-backed Islamic Revolution. Dad introduced me to this book.

A book about LGBTQ2+ community

“Oh, I think I got your genders wrong! This they/them stuff is tough for an old man like me, but that’s not the important thing.”

My dad said that to me in his last week of life, after using the wrong gendered terminology to refer to me (I am non-binary, and do not identify as a woman). My dad knew, accepted, and supported both my non-binary gender and my bisexual orientation. I hold this close to my heart.

But even beyond this theme in my own life, I remember when dad helped a long-time customer undertake a personal research project on the topic. This customer was clergy in a non-affirming denomination, and one of his congregants had come out to him as gay. His choices were either to break with his church in order to fully accept his congregant, or align with the church’s stance that homosexual behaviour was a sin. Over many months and many books and many conversations with dad, he decided to break with his church in order to stand with his gay congregant. Dad kept some of the titles on the shelf, despite pushback. This was a powerful experience for me, a queer youth who had not yet come out even to myself. I knew that my dad would support me, and when I did finally come out years later, he did.

Consider:

Queer Virtue: What LGBTQ People Know About Life and Love and How It Can Revitalize Christianity by Elizabeth Edman.

Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution by Shiri Eisner. This book was hugely influential in my undergrad work, and dad and I had meaningful conversations about what I was trying to do in my work, informed by Eisner’s book. My “undergrad work” included two honours theses, and the creation of Possibilities: Bi+ Community Group, which has now been running for over ten years. In 2018, dad and Glenda attended my Bisexual Visibility Day event, which was just one of the ways he supported this work.

A book about healing after abuse or trauma

Dad had a heart for those who were suffering and had been hurt. This was a thread throughout his life in many of his dealings with strangers and friends who came to him for help.

Consider:

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.

Read along with David

Each of these books have specific cherished memories attached to them, and are books that dad particularly enjoyed and frequently shared with others.

The Death Gate Cycle by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman. Pay attention for the moment when the dragon pushes its head up above the forest canopy and shouts, “EAT YOUR GREENS!” Imagine dad hooting with laughter, and reading this line out loud from his beloved glider in the living room of the house on 35th Ave.

The Deed of Paksenarrion by Elizabeth Moon. Consider racing us through this book. Dad finished in three days! It took me an extra half day. How long will it take you?

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. The book. The movie(s). The BBC mini-series.

Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card. Dad loved this series, and we both read it multiple times. Stop at the Ender books, if you’d like my recommendation!

The Ring Cycle by Richard Wagner (any version!). This was one of the most special things that dad and I shared. We watched a live broadcast of the opera when I was in elementary school, and then we shared this story in many formats over the years – the music, the sheet music, the graphic novel adaptations (both P. Craig Russell’s, and Roy Thomas and Gil Kane’s), the limited edition translated and annotated hard cover of The Ring of the Nibelung, The Rhinegold, and The Valkyrie with illustrations by Arthur Rackham, The Ring of Power Jungian analysis of The Ring Cycle by Jean Bolen… Despite Wagner’s abhorrent politics, this piece of music and writing remains close to my heart.

Anam Cara by John O’Donohue. Dad took the title of the Logos Bookstore newsletter from this book, and took much comfort from the contents.

Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton. Another beloved book, which he recommended frequently.

A Tintin comic.

An Asterix comic.


This memorial reading challenge was created for and first shared at my dad’s celebration of life on January 12, 2020.

You can download the full PDF here.

You can download a checklist PDF to track your progress through the reading challenge here. (This PDF does not include any additional text – just the categories.)

Light and the Long Night

Light and the Long Night

(An earlier draft of this post was available to Patreon supporters.)

cw: death

Yesterday was the Winter Solstice, and it was also three weeks since my dad died. 

It was a hard day. It has been a hard three weeks. It was a hard stretch before that. It has been a long night, and the night is not over. But the light returns. I know that the light returns. I know that even in the darkest night and the deepest gloom, there is light.

The stars exist. And some of the stars that light our night skies are many centuries dead – still, they glow. Legacies of light, a physics of remembrance. I think that there is something like this in grief, too. A way of light continuing.

And there are fireflies and other bioluminescent plants and animals. Lights in deep gloom. In the further depths of dark ocean, in the forests, in the wide open spaces that can feel like endless empty. There is something like this in grief, too.

There is always light, somewhere. There is always light returning eventually. Sometimes it just takes time to travel to us, for us to travel to the light, for us to find a way to glow, for the small and precious glowing thing to show itself. The long dark is hard, but it is not forever.

I’ve been reflecting on the legacies that my dad left me, the legacies that I want to continue. 

I wrote to my friend about the memories of my youth and my feelings about my dad. Hugh said that, in reading my letter about my dad, they could see that he gave me “part of the thing we need most in this world: a sense of urgent justice.”

And this is true. When I think about what my dad gave me, and what I cherish most in myself, it is that sense of urgent justice.  

This urgent justice was, in its best and most cherished expression, justice tied to love. Justice tied to acceptance. Justice tied to empathy. Justice tied to an awareness of power and privilege, and an intentional choice to side with the marginalized.

I saw my dad express this justice tied to empathy and awareness of power many times in my life. Those stories have been close to me these last few weeks, surfacing again and again. Luminescent.

In the week after his death, when I was updating An Invitation to Celebrate to include him, and to invite people to celebrate the life of a loved one, I wrote – 

“He taught me to always watch for the hurting people and to connect with and care for them. That’s still how I live my life, and it’s my favourite thing about myself. It comes from my dad.”

This is justice.

This is the urgency of justice – to watch for the people who are hurting, to connect with them and to care for them. Justice and love are tied together, braided into a strong triple-strand with the hope that justice and love can light the path to something better, something more possible.

My small Solstice ritual included writing my dad a letter – the first letter I’ve been able to write him since he died. I told him that I love him, that I will not forget him, that he was good and worthy and that I will hold onto many of the things he taught me. I named the threads I will hold onto:

  •  a sense of urgent justice
  •  a deep appreciation for the power of good story
  •  a commitment to compassion and acceptance

These are some of the lights my dad offered me. Lights that are still in my sky.

And every light casts a shadow, so along with these lights I acknowledge failures and complexities. Actions that align with injustice, stories that cause harm, cruelty and rejection instead of compassion and acceptance. These shadows were present in my own life, and in my dad’s life and in our relationship, but they do not cancel out the light. Part of how I will honour my dad is by holding the light, and not denying the shadow. 

What those failures and ruptures and omissions, those shadows, offer is the invitation to return to alignment with values of justice, good story, compassion, acceptance.

Fail, and return.

Fail, and choose to come back.

Fail, and then breathe, cry, grapple with guilt and shame, and return again, again, again.

I did not include this in my letter, but it is also true that another legacy I will carry forward from my dad is a deep value of connection. In this, too, we both failed and returned, failed and returned.

I wrote this two weeks ago –

One week since dad stepped out of this story and into another.

I woke up at 4:30. I set an alarm. I didn’t want to sleep through it, to sleep through the slipping from the first week to the second week, to sleep through marking and remembering those ten minutes between when Domini woke me up and when dad slipped away.

I had a plan for the day, to get through this day. It was a pretty good plan, I think.

But I got the wind knocked out of me before I could do it, knocked off the plan, smashed hard into a wall I saw coming but still somehow didn’t expect. Maybe just didn’t expect the timing of it. Didn’t expect it this morning, like that.

I went swimming instead.

Dad and I used to swim at the same pool – Vecova. Helped my fibro, helped his pain, too. We crossed paths a few times. Not enough.

I have spent the last hour reading old emails.

‘Hello my first born, you know, I hope, that I am proud of you. I miss you.’

‘Hi dad, haven’t heard from you in a while. I miss you.’

‘Good morning, Tiffany. I sometimes feel that you and I are growing further and further apart and I do not know how to counter that.’

‘Hey Dad, how are you? I miss you. I love you!’

‘You have no idea how much I miss talking to you; working on a treasure hunt for you; and just being able to connect with you. Even though you are a fully realized adult and are demonstrably moving forward I still think of you as someone who, at one time, counted on me to help you work through some of your issues. I wish that were still the case.’

‘Hi dad, I know you’re probably busy but I thought I’d try again. How are you doing?’

We both tried so hard, for so long.

We both wanted something different.

We were both reaching and reaching and reaching and not quite getting there.

It is hard to read these emails, each of us repeatedly reaching out, somehow not able to get past the missing and find connection.

There is a deep ocean of grief in me, for what we had and have lost, for what we wanted and were not able to find, for what was painful between us, for what was precious between us.

It is a very hard day, today.

Despite how hard it was, we kept trying. We valued connection – we both valued connection with each other – enough to keep trying. To keep coming back.

And I will carry that with me, the knowledge that continuing to try holds value, and that even when it isn’t perfect, it is good and worthy.

I lit four candles for the Solstice.

A black candle for the grief, the loss, the long dark.

A green candle for justice, and for the growth that comes from aligning with justice.

A red candle for love and compassion and empathy and acceptance, the sparks that tell justice where to focus, how to grow.

A white candle for hope and renewal, for the willingness to fail and come back, for the light that we can turn to, phototropic, moving towards what is good and life-giving.

I put the letter to my dad in the center.

I let the light flicker into the long night.

***

Listen to Shelby Merry’s When The Night Is Long 

Trajectories

Trajectories

(content note: death, dying)

The photo is of my hand in my dad’s hand. I took it on Thursday, as I sat with him. Holding hands will always remind me of what he taught me – three squeezes for “I love you,” four squeezes for “I love you, too.”

I will write this up in different ways over time but for now I want to share that I spent a lot of time in the last week holding my dad’s hand.

We tried, for so long, to find our way to each other. 

We did not always have an easy time of it.

There was distance that neither of us wanted and neither of us knew how to resolve. There was a lot of pain. 

We spiraled in towards each other – a phone call, a dinner, a visit. And then we spun out again, distant, disconnected. Not able to find a way to feel close. I believe that we both wanted something different. I believe that my dad wanted the kind of closeness that I also wanted. We did the best that we could. 

(My sister, who had her own hard path and deep valleys of disconnection with dad, keeps reminding me of this – We did the best we could. We all did the best that we could. It is enough. It was always enough. It will always be enough. We all did the best that we could. My sister is a miracle. I spent a lot of time over the last week holding hands with her, too.)

There were also so many cherished moments, both in my childhood and in the long apartness of adulthood. 

There were so many gifts in the relationship. So many legacies that continue in me, in my life, in my values and my skills and the way I approach my work and the world. As I move through this process and write my way through my feelings, I hope that the stories of these gifts, legacies, values, and skills will be captured in shareable ways. I want to find a way to make these things visible, to give them names, to rescue them from memory and put them into narratives. I treasure them. I cherish these sparkling memories and gifts from my dad, and the distance we sometimes felt does not eclipse them.

There is never just one single true story. Not of a person, not of a place, not of a relationship.

I am thankful to my dear friend Patti who, echoing my sister’s wisdom, wrote to me and said, “I hope you find solace in knowing that for as  long as I’ve known you, you’ve worked so hard at being in good relation with your dad. You carried some weight because of this and I’d like to gently suggest that you have been there for him and others in your family as part of your loving kindness, your gifts… Although our minds try to trick us that we might have done more or differently, you did everything the way it was supposed to have occurred.”

On November 14, my dad and his partner called to let us know that the doctor’s appointment had not gone as they had hoped. Just the week before, my dad had said he felt that the latest treatment was working. It was not. The doctor let them know that a likely timeline was 3 weeks to 3 months. 

I was in Toronto when I got the call. I flew back as scheduled two days later, attended the Ally Toolkit Resource Fair on the Sunday, presented my Networks of Care presentation at a lunch and learn and again at the Ally Toolkit Conference on Monday. I was supposed to see him Tuesday, but the roads were terrible and I hadn’t got winters on my car, he told me to stay home, that we had time. I worked 13 hours on Wednesday. Writing this, I feel hot shame and regret settling behind my sternum. I wasted a whole week.

But we had been chatting daily over that time. I sent him pictures of art my littlest stepkid had made, and he asked if she would draw him a picture of an upside down Christmas tree (he has had upside down trees for years – they have more space for ornaments). 

On Thursday, my nesting partner and littlest stepkid and I went over, and he snuggled with her and saw her art. Her picture is now framed and sitting by his tree, a 5-year-old’s rendition of an upside down Christmas tree, and presents, and ornaments, and stick figures, as he had requested. He and I chatted, and my sister came over, and it was good. It was hard to see how quickly things had changed, but it was good to see him.

I saw him almost every day after until his final moments at 4:40 am on November 30.

There are a lot of memories I want to capture from this week of time together, but right now, in this post, I just want to name and honour and make visible that in this week, we found our way to each other.

In this last week, he wanted Domini and me to be there. 

He let us be there.

We orbited each other for so long, our trajectories never quite lining up to allow us to move together, to be in closeness, to be, as Patti insightfully named it, in right relation. But in this last week, we were there. We were there together with him and his partner. It took a long time, and it’s so hard that it only happened in this way at the very end, but our circuitous path lead us finally together.

This is the tribute my sister and I wrote for him and shared on Facebook. 

David Maxwell loved books and travel and people. He loved justice and kindness and connection. He loved the precious life that he had co-created with his partner and his friends.

He lived in Nigeria, America, Canada, Croatia, and Costa Rica. And he lived in Italy, too. His favourite place in the world.

Wherever he went, he collected friends and he kept them, tucked away into his contact list, cherishing and reconnecting with them regularly. His Christmas Day and New Years phone calls to friends around the world, often starting in the early hours of the morning and going for hours and hours, were a feature of our childhood home and a tradition that continued long after we had all left that house, dispersed in four directions.

We will borrow his own turn of phrase and share that in the early morning of November 30 our dad stepped into Eternity. A long and difficult battle with cancer has come to a close. He knew that God was there with him, waiting for him. His faith was important to him, and he had an incredible ability to connect with people of many faiths.

Domini, Tiffany, and his partner Glenda were with him. His sister Ruth, who had been with us for most of the previous few days, arrived shortly after. He went with grace, surrounded by the kind of love that holds space for a whole person and for all the complexity of that person. It was deep and intentional love that surrounded him in his last days.

This experience has been incredibly challenging as we battled to process how quickly things changed. But it was also a beautiful and precious experience that we will be eternally grateful to have had with him.

We each knew him in different ways, we each have a different story of David Maxwell – not a coin with two sides and an edge, he was a TARDIS, bigger on the inside, full of rooms that few people had seen. He was a pop-up book, full of pages that became something totally new when you pulled the right tab or turned the wheel. He was an upside down Christmas tree, unexpected, decorated with unique and beloved ornaments – old ones and new ones, soft ones and hard ones, some that glitter brightly and some in the shadows.

He took that last step on his long journey while he was at home, his bed set up by the window and the view, as he had always wished.

We miss him.

We love him.

We turn the page into this new chapter, not ready. How could we ever be ready? But we are better prepared because of what he brought to our lives. His legacies in our lives will continue, will live through in our kids, in our own values of justice and kindness and connection, in our own love of books and travel and people. In our own complexity.

We know that Dad’s influence and connections stretch across decades and oceans alike, his chosen family and friends have lost a precious connection. We offer our love and support to all those who will be grieving alongside us. We would love to hear your stories of him, his life, and who he was in your life. We would love to know him better through you.

Among other books on the go, dad was most of the way through Lindsay Buroker’s Dragon Blood series and he was enjoying the books immensely. If you need a gift for a fantasy lover this coming season, consider one last recommendation from David Maxwell.

Originally posted on Facebook

I’m taking this week off, and then I’ll sit down and figure out how to move through this time.

I had an idea this morning of something I would like to do, a way of creating a project around this time, and when I expressed anxiety that I was doing this ‘wrong’ by thinking about projects, my beloved Nathan said, “You have literally always taken what you are working with and gifted community with the opportunity to connect directly and in parallel.  It is one of your ways. One of the ways your light shines so people who have belongingness with you can find their way to you in the dark. I could not think of a more you way to grieve. And I could not think of a more honourable tribute to your relationship with your Dad.” 

So, we’ll see what happens with that after this week of gentleness and space.

I know that this experience has been profound.

I know that it will change the trajectory of at least some of my work.

That it will change the trajectory of some of my own stories of myself, and of myself in relationship with my dad, and of my dad.

I know that I will find a way to bring this experience into my community work, and I am thankful that this community of support is here with me.


Edited to add: I did create the project I mentioned.

http://www.tiffany-sostar,com/courses/an-invitation-to-celebrate

An Invitation to Celebrate has been completely updated to include an option to celebrate the life of a loved one.

(Originally shared on my Patreon.)

I didn’t think it would be like this: a zine about politics

I didn’t think it would be like this: a zine about politics

The other day I responded to a post about politics and said:

I feel like the last couple years have really pushed me away from the faith I had in electoral politics, and there are times when I feel so much grief for losing that thread of hope. Most of the time I am thankful, because letting go of that opens up space to do other things and to imagine other ways of making change, but sometimes it does feel like a loss, and it is a feeling of grief.

Hmm.

Maybe there needs to be a little collective narrative projects for newly disillusioned folks to talk about this grief, which really doesn’t have a lot of space for expression.

Well, here is that little collective narrative project!

Over the next few weeks (until November 8), I’ll be collecting stories about our feelings about politics in 2019.

Submit your piece of poetry, art, or non-fiction by emailing me at sostarselfcare@gmail.com. Submissions will ideally not be more than 1000 words, but, as with all of these projects, I’m flexible.

If you are struggling with how to express your feelings or what to write, there are a few options. You can get in touch with me and we can have a chat that will hopefully help you clarify what you want to express, or you can use the following narrative questions to guide your writing:

  • When you think about the current state of electoral politics, what are the feelings that are evoked?
  • Are these feelings the same, similar, or not at all similar to feelings that you used to have about electoral politics?
  • If your feelings have changed, do you remember a specific experience or story that contributed to this change?
  • What do you miss about your earlier feelings, if there has been a change?
  • Do you have a sense of grief or disillusionment?
  • What are you grieving?
  • What feels like it is lost or more distant?
  • Do you have a sense of what you wish or hope that electoral politics could be like?
  • What does this hope say about what you value?
  • Where does this hope come from – are there particular political histories or thinkers who have inspired and nurtured this hope?
  • What do you hold onto when difficult feelings about politics arise for you? What, or who, keeps you going?
  • What are the actions that you are taking in your life that align with your hopes and values?
  • Have you ever had a moment of realizing the elected officials or the institutions of power were not responding in alignment with your values, and taking some kind of action? This action may be as small as reaching out to an LGBTQIA2+ friend when legislation threatens our safety, or it may be something like reading the 291 Calls to Justice in the MMIWG Final Report, or getting involved in community organizing and protests. People are never passive recipients of harm and trauma, and I would like to include stories of response in this zine!

My hope is that, regardless of the outcome of the Canadian federal election that is happening today, this zine will bring together stories of how we are continuing to do work in our communities, how we are continuing to hold onto our values despite our feelings of disillusionment and grief over the state of politics. I hope that it will bring our voices together, and give us a sense of how we can move forward together, organizing together, supporting each other, doing the work of responding to the problems in our lives regardless of the politicians who hold so much power (and the corporations who hold even more).

I’m looking forward to your contribution!

(Although this zine is inspired by the Canadian federal election, contributions are welcome from anyone. These feelings about politics span so many spaces.)

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day 2019

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day 2019

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. This is a topic that impacts so many different people, including trans and non-binary folks who experience gender erasure and harm in both medical contexts and support spaces around this loss; Black, Indigenous, and brown people who experience racism in medical contexts and support spaces; disabled folks; neurodivergent and mad folks; so many people who go through this experience (which can take so many different forms, and can be felt in so many different ways) undersupported, underserved, dismissed.

The You Are Not Alone project was first conceived in 2017 as a response to loss resources that are highly gendered, and that implicitly assume their readers are straight, white, and cisgender. It was also created to try and provide something free and easily accessible.

This resource is freely downloadable and shareable. You can find the 70-page PDF here.

From the Introduction

This is the third edition of You Are Not Alone, and we hope to reissue this document yearly with more and better information and resources. In 2019, we have added Aditi Loveridge’s personal story, and expanded the section on handling racism in medical contexts with Aditi’s help. We have also expanded the resources section to include information about Aditi’s Calgary and online-based charity, the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Centre.

Although this resource attempts to be intentionally inclusive and anti-oppressive, the two primary collaborators – Tiffany Sostar and Flora – are both English-speaking white settler Canadians, with stable housing and strong social supports. Our privilege means that we are missing nuance, and we do not see what we’re not seeing. We are open to being corrected, and to hearing from people who do not see themselves represented in this document. You can reach Tiffany at sostarselfcare@gmail.com.

This document is designed to be a grief and loss resource, and we have included abortion stories and resources. However, we recognize that not every abortion is experienced as a loss or followed by grief. (This is true for miscarriages, too!) We also recognize that it is possible to feel grief without feeling regret, and this is true for any pregnancy loss, whether it’s abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth, or adoption.

We are so thankful to the individuals who contributed to this document. Our call for contributors was met with courage and generosity by people who shared their stories despite the pain that telling the story brought up for them.

We are also thankful to Andi Johnson and Randi van Wiltenburg, both full-spectrum doulas in Calgary, Alberta, who contributed not only their personal stories but also a wealth of knowledge and information. Their professional contact information is listed in the resources section.

Parents we want to honour:

  • Those who have lost a child to miscarriage
  • Those who have lost a child to abortion
  • Those who have lost a child to stillbirth
  • Those who have lost a child after birth to medical illness
  • Those who have lost a child after birth to adoption
  • Those who have lost a child after birth to structural violence

This affects:

  • People of any gender identity
  • People of any sexual orientation
  • People of any relationship status and structure
  • People of any race or culture
  • People of any state of mental or physical health
  • People of any religious belief
  • People of any socioeconomic status

This kind of work – creating resources that help serve the margins is exactly the goal of my Patreon, and it’s why I do what I do. I am thankful to be invited into this kind of work by people in the community who recognize a gap and want help filling it, which is what happened in 2017 when this resource was first created. I will continue to do this kind of work. If you would like to support me, you can find my Patreon here.

100 Love Letters to This World

100 Love Letters to This World

An image of the full moon visible during the daytime, with dark clouds above and a pink sky. Text reads: 100 Love Letters to this World #100loveletters

An Invitation

Do not think that one has to be sad in order to be militant, even though the thing one is fighting is abominable.

Michel Foucault

This is an invitation to join me in writing 100 love letters to this world. An invitation to spend 100 intentional moments loving this world, and documenting this love. Finding 100 things to love in this world, or loving one thing in this world 100 times. Being present in this world, and seeing its complexities, holding space for what is terrible and for what is beautiful.

You can find the email list here.

This world, which I propose we love with intention and with tangible actions, is full of grief and suffering and injustice, and many of us are resisting, responding. That core of recognizing and responding to injustice is central to this project.

Why speak of thriving and love when there are so many massive, urgent problems that need to be confronted? To write about the potential or trust and care, at this time in history, could seem like grasping optimistically at straws as the world burns. But durable bonds and new complicities are not a reprieve or an escape; they are the very means of undoing Empire.

Nick Montgomery and carla bergman, Joyful Militancy

Loving this world in a time of compounding crisis and active, necessary response can be challenging and it can feel counter-intuitive. But as I move through this difficult time in my own life, and as I witness community members similarly moving through fear, and grief, and anger, and despair… I find love and connection more and more critical.

Community care, connection, and the ability to recognize and express love; these are not just a reprieve or an escape, as Montgomery and bergman point out. They are the means by which we can respond to injustice.

And so, 100 love letters to this world.

To this world. And to those of us who are in this world, fighting for this world, fighting for each other within this world.

To all survivors today: your time is precious, your energy is precious, you are precious. Your love is precious, your relationships are precious. And I don’t mean precious like cute. I mean precious like invaluable like massive like power like transcendent.

Hannah Harris-Sutro

The goal of this project is not to stifle resistance or to turn our focus away from injustice. But rather to find a way to be in relationship with this world – this world that we have, the physical world, the social world, the emotional world that we find ourselves in right now, unique to each of us – that allows for love and struggle. I am not looking for a quick fix or a cure for the problems that we are facing; the idea of a “cure” for trauma is fundamentally ableist, and I reject it.

The idea that survivorhood is a thing to “fix” or “cure,” to get over, and that the cure is not only possible and easy but the only desirable option, is as common as breath. It’s a concept that has deep roots in ableist ideas that when there’s something wrong, there’s either cured or broken and nothing in between, and certainly nothing valuable in inhabiting a bodymind that’s disabled in any way.”

Leah Lakshmi Piepza-Samarasinha, Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice

We are facing climate crisis, and seeing the effects more and more clearly. Time is short. We are at, and passed, many critical tipping points.

We are also facing an emboldened and increasingly powerful right wing, fueled by capitalism, climate denial, white supremacy, and cis hetero patriarchy.

Within my own heart, and within my communities, there is despair, hopelessness, existential dread. How do we move forward? How do we continue breathing, living, loving, in this context? How do we stay connected when we are in such pain, and when we are anticipating so much more pain?

It is easier to scroll the newsfeed endlessly, to think about collapsing insect populations and melting glaciers and rolled back rights and ongoing colonial violence, to think about these things rather than engaging with them. To grieve in an abstract and disconnected way. It is harder, and I am less likely, to go outside, to attend a rally, to have coffee with a friend, to breathe the air that I still can breathe, to see the moon in the sky, to feel the ground under my feet, to hear water moving through rivers and streams and in raindrops.

Moving from the abstract to the material is difficult, because it means facing what is at stake. Feeling my own body on the line with this world.

Underpinning so much of the despair is the sense of impending and worsening scarcity. Many of us have been so deeply steeped in capitalism and capitalism’s story about humans as inherently greedy, as hoarders and accumulators, that it is hard for some of us, for me, to think about scarcity without wanting to retreat. To turn inward, to accept the neoliberal premise of individualization, to become ever more an island.

Disconnection is a coping strategy. There is value in disconnection, in avoidance, in the inward turn. There are times when it is just what we need in order to continue on. But for myself, and for some of my community members, there is a way in which disconnection has stopped being supportive of my life and has become too heavy. I want to change it.

When I notice how much easier it is to access feelings and stories that close off acts of living and resistance, that’s when I know I need to interrupt the disconnection and find a way back. That’s where I’m at now. And that’s why this project exists.

Whatever comes next will be hard, and it will leave most of us hurting. We can learn from disability justice work, from racial justice work, from queer and trans justice work, from all the community workers who have come before us into apocalyptic trauma and have found a way to stay connected. We can take their wisdom and ask: How will we love this world? How will we love ourselves in this world? How will we love each other in this world?

Those are the questions I hope to ask with this project. And I hope that by bringing our love to this world, we can start co-creating possible futures together, or even just co-creating the possibility of imagining a possible future.

Your love letters can be as elaborate or as simple as you’d like. A single word or a ten-page billet-doux. A photograph, a drawing, a poem, a deep inhale. A conversation with a friend about what there is to love in this world, a moment in the mirror, a short story, a long story, a postcard. Love letters can take so many forms, and all of them are welcome.

All that is required is that you do this intentionally, that you find some way to connect with love for this world.

And your love, just like your love letters, can take many forms. Love can coexist with despair. Love can fuel anger. Love and grief know each other well. This project is not a demand for “positivity.” It is, instead, an invitation to connection.

This project will run from the New Moon on June 3 2019, to the Full Moon on September 14 2019.

Following the project, I will be collecting the love letters into a zine.

You can participate on social media by tagging your posts #100loveletters. If you’d like to receive my love letters in your email, you can sign up for the 100 Love Letters to This World email list. I’ll be sending out my own love letters throughout the project, and also sending out any letters that you submit to be included. You can submit those letters by emailing them to me at sostarselfcare@gmail.com.

If you want to be further involved, you can also support my Patreon, or find me on Facebook or Instagram.

This project is my fourth iteration of the 100 Love Letters process. (This process began with Stasha Huntingford years ago – I cannot take credit for it!)

The first 100 Love Letters project was 100 love letters written to ourselves. You can read about the origin of that project in this interview with Stasha Huntingford, the inspiration for the project.

The second 100 Love Letters project was one that I undertook personally. 100 love letters to my body, as a response to increasing chronic pain and other issues. This project is ongoing.

The third 100 Love Letters project was the Tender Year, and you can read about that project, a year-long collaborative project between Stasha, Nathan Fawaz, and myself, here.

When I let myself daydream about possible futures, I think it would be cool to pull all of these iterations into a book.

For now, though, join me in this project.